... was the start of a bumpy half hazard journey from darkness to light. It was the beginning of many trials that would test me and push me into self doubt , self worth, shame, anger, defeat but now I know that this all lead me to peace, love and light and most importantly ... a grateful heart.
Our recently turned 21 year old daughter decided to hastily leave our home during a disagreement and it was not pretty at all might I add. There had been alot of tension for many years leading up to this and in hindsight it was quite inevitable frankly ....but in that moment I was both fed up but also crushed!
She packed a bag and shoved in there what she could and abruptly left. As I had done so many times before I wanted to just chase after her and tell her there was no better place to stay than at home with us, her family , but I knew that I could not legally nor emotionally convince her and so .... I let her go; we let her go. This broke me ... into a million pieces. This was not the way this was supposed to go down! I mean I had a expectation that she would go off to college or at least go off and travel and experience new things.. all good warm and fuzzy feelings attached to her taking her next step in life - but not like this.. not to me.. not to us.
I texted after a few day with no reply of course. . I just wanted to make sure she was ok. Wanted to make sure she was eating.... that she was warm as it was winter. Still worrying... still caring..
Days turns into weeks...
Weeks turned into months....
I cried myself to sleep night after night. My husband would try to support me and urge me to lean on him.. but it was not enough but not because he was not showing up but he also had his own emotions to face as a father. I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt ..... like I failed. Failed as a mother. Failed as a wife. Failed as a human being. WTF did we do, did I do... so wrong that would warrant so much pain? but the answers never came.
As a mother I was in complete turmoil but I certainly was not talking to anyone about this because I felt ashamed and feared being judged. .. and that sucked big time!!
... one night I cried a simple prayer over and over and over again...." Lord, please take this pain away and heal my heart " and I must have fallen asleep saying this and then I felt a hand on my forehead and heard a voice say "I've been waiting for you, I've always been here ". Over the next few days I looked online around my neighborhood for a church and so luckily my bro in law had just started going to a church as well - Every Nation NYC. Looked on the Joel Osteen website and found that there was a church meeting inside the movie theater every Sunday and so I chose to be obedient and go! Take my sorry ass broken self who has not gone to church in over 2 decades was left with no other choice if I wanted to heal .. which is what i desired.
That Sunday in September I walked and cried looking up at the sky just repeating to myself " Ok, I'm listening". Walked in and met a young woman with open arms, a complete stranger who must have seen the pain in my eyes and welcomed me. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt safe. My heart felt safe... it was a new feeling... a feeling of the beginnings of healing my heart. That moment will forever be engraved in my heart.
I went every Sunday that I could since then and as I healed I welcomed peace in my heart filled with God’s mercy and grace.... because you see God gives his biggest and strongest warriors the toughest battles.
I felt worthy and full of life and I began to see with whole hearted eyes that I was not alone. That the higher power ( whatever is this is you; for me it is God , the omega and the alpha ) sends circumstances and people your way that you are meant to connect with ; like minded people walking on a similar walk. That life is happening for you not to you.
Now let me be very clear ... I am grateful for this dark season. I no longer hold anger towards my daughter and only send her love and light. She did what she felt she need to do for herself and I know now that is was part of her story, her journey and I'm ok with that. We have a better relationship now and She is loved very much.I am grateful to my husband for giving me the space when I needed it and the shoulders to cry when I needed that. I am grateful to my bro in law for sharing his new found safe haven which was a tool I so needed at the time. I am grateful to the young woman who hugged me and for the friends I have made since then.
I am stronger now. A strong peaceful warrior with a grateful heart. A healer spreading the message of love and light and gratitude.
My Pastor at the time Pastor George once said to me " You have a gift" - "the gift of encouragement- because of how you see any given situation now - to encourage yourself and to encourage others. I started to cry because I had not realized that thru my pain my gift was revealed. I see that now and I believe it is my purpose in life. Pastor G and his wife Tonda now speak on the covenant of marriage @ journeryforlifenow but I will tell you more about them and their mission as we take this journey together.
And so.... my hope is that my story gives you hope. Hope in knowing that you will overcome that obstacle and choosing not to see it as one but rather a gateway for growth. Hope to be present in each moment, Hope to chose love each day. Hope to support , reach out or hug someone that might need encouragement because you never know what a difference that could make and hope for all of us to feel less shame sharing our circumstances and embrace the courage to be vulnerable.
From my Grateful heart to yours,